I don't really know where to start.
Nah wait I do. Prepare for a rollercoaster of my feelings.
It started when I was in kindergarten/elementary school age.
I was in bed, angrily crying, trying to find out why we live if we die either way. That's also exactly what I asked my dad when he came in and found me in this state. Unfortunately I don't remember what he replied to that. I think this was kind of the starting point from where it all just kept developing.
The older I got, the more I was – as many others – trying to find out our purpose. My purpose. Everything's purpose. I was always an atheist too, by the way. I never found my place in religion. It's cool when others do but I simply never had any beliefs in this direction. So my own beliefs of what might be after death always changed a bit over time. I looked into what other religions believe, if it's a state of afterlife, reincarnation, or if I maybe might be a soul which gets separated from the body (the vessel) after death and then haunts others as a ghost, or if there will be literally...nothing. I mixed my own possible scenarios together and so it happened that for a while I thought maybe rather this, and for the next while I thought maybe rather that. I found it cool and interesting (still do) that in my opinion and point of view humans came up with all kinds of concepts of what could be after death.
At the same time, as said, I was trying to come up with a purpose of my life, and a purpose of humanity as a whole. I was so sure. There must be SOMEthing. We wouldn't just exist for nothing, right?
...
...
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...Right...?
All the time I wanted to believe into something, because I found out for myself at very young age already that there‘s no actual meaning, no actual value in this world. Political, moral, opinions, anything else, it‘s human-made concepts. There‘s no laws. There‘s no rules. There‘s no morals. (You're allowed to respectfully state your own opinions of course, I‘m open to it all.) I chased after beliefs and things that distract me from my thoughts and bring me some form of joy, because I ran from the “knowledge“ of that there is no actual meaning behind it all. We live to just exist. Nothing more. We can come up with our own goals and purposes, but they are not real. There is nothing that tells us we NEED to do it, but we want it. But what for, if we die either way in the end? I know what you want to tell me now. We should make the best out of it and use our time that we have as long as we exist, see it positively... And I try to get there, but for my almost whole life I've seen it all pessimistically. And it's very difficult to break free from it.
As someone with a nihilistic view on many to practically almost all topics I have the feeling I know “too much“, which is making me see no sense and no value in life and doing anything at all. Even my hobbies. We die either way in the end, I'm even afraid of the possibility that one day music sounds and feels hollow to me – and music has been one of the biggest aspects in my life since I saw the light of the world for the first time. So, what do I do this all for? I don‘t know. Really not.
To visualize what it feels like... Think of it like I'm looking at the Earth and watching all people work, stress, do anything, be absorbed. And I'm the only one (I know I‘m not, but it feels so) intensely realizing and feeling that it's all for nothing. Sitting there in coldness and dead around me. I wish I'd have this view but with the optimistic aspect and I don't understand yet why I don't have it. I didn't choose the pessimistic nihilistic view. If I could choose then I'd choose to feel about it happily and optimistically, and not in a constantly depressing way. I sometimes think about that I don't even know why I should try to make myself feel alive and happy, unless it's to bridge time until death.
Now, it sounds like I'm the most depressed person right now. In fact I am one who at age 21 still acts silly as hell, makes others laugh a lot, hell I stupidly enough even manage to make myself laugh. I‘m fun to be around with. Ask my family and friends. But deep inside this whole view I'm having on life since I was younger is eating me. I've dealt with quite a few things in life like many many other people out there, and unfortunately as positive and happy as I've always seemed (because I genuinely felt happy in these moments) I ended up with such a pessimistic view. How ironic. Anyway, this is why I started to feel or rather hope that life is something like a state to exist in until death happens, and until the actual thing – whatever that might be – happens. On top of that I feel detached for years, like in a simulation. Sometimes grabbing my own head because of this "knowledge" I am aware of and the additional dissociation I‘m dealing with for years.
It is difficult because even if I find something that distracts me, something that is actually fun, I always have in the back of my mind that in the end it's all for nothing. We all end up the same when we die, no matter what beliefs, morals, hopes, dreams, actions we take, rich, poor, happy, sad, we all end up dead. Yes sure, I would love to just let go and enjoy life. And there indeed are things I enjoy, if it's nature or great communities among people, there are things I fight for in my private but also public life so that we all have as much as possible a good and fair time, since we all have existed, do exist and will exist for a while longer. But I still view my existence as in doing anything good at least instead of just lying and doing nothing and rotting, which I've done enough in my life, because to me there is still no meaning and sense behind life and existence. Even if I'm sure there will be days like these again. I'm sure I won't ever break away from the nihilistic view, but everything I do, everything I try to do is to feel something, to distract myself from these thoughts and from these negative feelings, to break away from the pessimistic view and climb into the optimistic view of that nothing matters, but it's difficult. It's difficult as f###.
But at the same time exactly this has made it "easier" for me to do things I haven't done in months or longer. Painting, drawing, blogging (for the first time), instruments, DIYing my clothes again, going outside, doing sports, finding new things, doing anything I procrastinated because "it‘s all for nothing". And talking to people. Spending time with others more. These things help me get away from these thoughts even if it is just for a while in the end. I need a break from thinking my whole life long in all kinds of philosophical ways. This is all awesome but the reason is scary. And the reason is also sometimes keeping me from actually enjoying the things. It's like running away from it and chasing after things that protect me from it. If I face it again I'll most likely end up in a vicious circle.
The "things that protect me from it" feel to me like I‘m brainwashing myself away from the nihilistic view, if that makes sense... On the one side I want that, for obvious reasons, but on the other side I don't want to be brainwashed. To brainwash myself. Because to me it's important to keep in mind that nothing matters in the end, but if I could just switch to the optimistic view of it. It's in my opinion difficult to really go back, because even if you manage to, your footsteps have already been done and you can try to cover them with leafs or dirt, but they won't really disappear anymore. Maybe one day, but I think this is still a deeper thing.
For the first time a while ago I started cursing myself for having such a curious philosophical mind, for being too aware of everything. It seems easier without, or is it? I will probably never know myself. I wanted to know everything when I was younger, and now it feels like I know "too much", because I just keep thinking and thinking and thinking, coming up with theories and ending up in emotional rollercoasters. So, I am glad that I don't know what else is out there, and I don't want to know anymore. How did you say it... "Care killed the cat"? "Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back". Now where is the satisfaction in knowing all this? My spontaneous thought is that it's probably found in the optimistic way of nihilism. Since you can see it either positively or negatively, that there is no meaning and all that I already talked about (and even more, if you want to go into detail about nihilism among others, which I could do if detail is wanted). I sometimes by now have moments where I can enjoy the fact that nothing matters. Such as expressing myself the way I want, not caring about what others think. Because... we all die either way and literally nothing matters. And this is cool. And I'm feeling after years of pessimism that I start to find the optimism in it. Sometimes or rather often it still slips away, and it is like an internal battle in my mind where optimism and pessimism fight each other, but it‘s going somewhere.
Because I came to the conclusion that in the end I don't want to waste my time on thinking about it negatively. If there really is no sense then at least I want to make it fun for as long as I'm "forced" to stay here. Hence I decided to get up and find anything to do or focus on. It's still better to do something and try and eventually feel something again one day, rather than staying in one position and keep wasting the time on negative thoughts. I figured it out, my view on life, and now it's on me to decide how I want to deal with it. I can do that, and so can you. It wasn't easy, it still isn't, but I started to find some hope to work with when realizing that this all (the no meaning, no value aspect and so on) can also be a good thing.
We are stuck on this weird earth ball in a weird space either way, so when already here, why not explore, experiment, provoke, spend the time in any silly way?
(It's funny and interesting how in the end I was rather caught in optimism in connection to nihilism, while I started writing this whole text when I was still caught in pessimism. As said, I sometimes have moments like that where the optimism starts to break through and this is now a goal in my life to accomplish asap. I will definitely continue living on a rollercoaster for a long while but... I might update on that in a few months. Would be interesting to see.)
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